Bless me, Father, for I have Sinned

Nala, Michael Knowles, and the forgiveness of sin

“Why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.” -Thomas Wayne, Batman Begins

Last year, one of the viral clips from the Whatever podcast featured a flame-haired cam girl named Nala. Her behavior was outrageous, as was her attire. An unrepentant sex worker, one who seemed immune to the criticisms of her line of work and to the toxic effects her work had on society and on herself.

“For shame,” said conservatives online. “Lord, please show her the truth and call her to repentance.”

Let the record show that the Lord did exactly that.

This year, Nala publicly repented, was baptized, and nuked her extremely profitable OnlyFans account.

Now she is preaching the dangers of porn, the goodness of God, and selling (modest) clothing. Obviously with her previous income-generating activities gone, she needs to replace the income, right?

Well, not according to our “righteous” Twitter brethren.

And also our entirely UNRIGHTEOUS Twitter brethren.

From the footage of Nala’s baptism, it seems she chose a Protestant form of Christianity, one that favors full immersion. Her recent interview detailing her conversion was with Michael Knowles, a faithful and well-learned Catholic.

Protestants and Catholics have several points of differentiation but one of the big ones is the Catholic bifurcation of sin: Mortal sins and Venial sins.

Protestants say a sin is a sin. It is all ugly in the eyes of God. All sin separates us from His glory.

For Catholics, a venial sin is less serious and can be forgiven by receiving the eucharist and/or penance. Unkindness, yelling at your neighbor or spouse, or an act of immaturity. Selfishness and self-centeredness. Things like that.

A mortal sin is very grave. It is one deliberately committed with full knowledge that this is a sin. If not confessed and fully repented of, this type of sin will result in eternal damnation.

Sins like murder or rape, idolatry or witchcraft, adultery… and fornication.

It’s possible that some of the online people sneering at Nala and doubting her conversion are virgins or remained so until they married. It’s possible.

But most of them are probably guilty of the same mortal sin Nala is. They just had the foresight not to record it and post it online for money.

God’s Forgiveness is Absolute. But not all mistakes can be undone

We have all committed a sin that falls in the mortal category at least once in our lives. I don’t think I have any readers young enough to be exempt from that statement. Ideally, when we repent of our mortal sin, we can move on from it. God has forgiven us. That’s all that matters, right?

Not always. In Nala’s case, and anyone else whose sins become public, the shadow will remain. Others will always be ready to gleefully remind you of your fallen past. They want to make sure you know that, no matter what you do from here on out, you’ll always be garbage.

There’s a particular brand of person who never bothers to lift themselves up, only to pull others down. You cannot escape them. They are a fact of life that every reformed sinner must accept.

Even if the mortal sin is in private, the consequences of it can remain. If you commit a sexual sin and contract an STI that can only be managed (rather than cured), that’s forever. If you drive drunk and kill someone, that’s forever.

The shadow will always be with you.

If you’ll indulge my confession, I committed the mortal sin of surgically sterilizing myself when I was 26.

I forever prohibited the possibility that I would be blessed with children. Not for health reasons either. But because I knew better than God. If you are Protestant or not aligned with religion at all, maybe you don’t believe this is a sin. But I do. I believed it then. And I believe it now.

Especially since I regret the decision, as my doctor warned me I might.

I have confessed and repented. I have God’s forgiveness. But I don’t have the ability to have children. And I never will. Accepting forgiveness sometimes means accepting there is no undo button.

I believe Nala’s conversion is genuine. I believe God spoke to her and pulled her out of the self-destructive sin she had fallen into.

But I don’t think she’ll ever be free of her past. This is part of her story now. The question is how she will move forward. Will she hold to her faith, understanding that a sin can be forgiven but not forgotten?

I hope so. I hope that for all of us.