Your Screen is Lying to You
The words said vs what people are really saying
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As an introverted weirdo, I don’t get overly pressed about how most people are living through their screens these days.
Most of the time.
The one instance that does strongly trouble me is in the way young men and women seemingly have no idea how to interact with one another IRL.
We take a lot of our cues for how men and women behave from popular media. Troublingly, a lot of discourse from younger people is based solely on staged skits for TikTok and YouTube clicks and those stupid “men with microphone” podcasts. You know, the ones featuring young men who have never had a successful relationship?
It’s not helpful, not even a little.
The kids aren’t interacting in real life. Boys aren’t walking up to girls to ask them out. Often they won’t do it over text either. The risk is too great. What if they’re recorded getting rejected and subjected to internet mockery? What if their screenshots are posted for the same?
Nah, forget that. Better to sink into porn. Less risk.
The result of this is that young men and women have no idea what a real conversation even looks like and, sadly, fiction only does a slightly better job of showing them.
That’s because fiction intentionally dramatizes normal life. Just like TikTok and YouTube creators hype up the conflict and angst for clicks, novelists and filmmakers hype up the messy aspects of relationships to keep you watching.
Normal life can be boring, something the young seem ill-prepared for.
Take for example, a real discussion I had with my husband last year ago when he came back from an extended work trip:
Me: “I feel like you don’t actually like me.”
Him: “Of course I like you. How could I not?”
Me: “You say you like me, but when you’re here, you spend most of the time either in bed or out doing errands. Without me. If you liked me, you’d want to spend time with me.”
Him: “I do want to spend time with you. But only when you’ve done your work for the day so you aren’t distracted and stressed.”
Oh…
I was upset about my perception of his behavior, told him about it, and he responded. Pithy. Efficient. But not terribly dramatic or interesting.
Would you watch a movie about that…
Or are you paying real money to go watch “It Ends With Us?”
Fictional dialogue is often how people “are supposed to talk” rather than how they really do.
It’s more formal, more emotive, and often more confrontational, spurring the viewer to take sides:
“No, don’t go talk to your husband about how you feel! Sit down at your typewriter and create a novel about all the ways he’s wronged you. Then publish the novel thinking he’ll never find out about it! Then it becomes a best seller and you fight. But then you make up and the music swells and everything ends happily!”
That might be better for the screenplay and the box office, but it’s a much worse way to live your life. And for young people who are only living through screens, I fear they may not be able to tell the difference.
They don’t actually know what “normal” looks like when it comes to talking to people.
In my first ever Substack, I asked writers to evaluate whether they were basing dialogue on how people talked in real life, or on dialogue they’d read in other novels or, worse, that they’d heard on episodic TV.
That lack of reality in dialogue has only gotten worse since that time. There’s a drift in what’s real, made worse by issues of subtext in the way we speak. Americans tend to be more on the nose in our verbiage than other cultures, unless we are intentionally trying to deceive or manipulate the other person. Or if we’re trying to protect the other person’s feelings…. or spare ourselves discomfort.
So often we tell ourselves that the lies we tell (or “pranks” we pull) are permissible, moral, and correct because the other person “should have known” what we really meant. That’s the way it is in the movies, after all.
Living through screens and fiction, no matter how skillfully crafted, has stunted young people’s ability to effectively read other people, let alone read the room. They’re all just rehashing someone else’s script, and I don’t think our society will be okay as long as that condition continues.
ICYMI
Jeff Putnam lit the online world on fire with his men’s grooming business, masculinity advice, and brand-new writing career. But it only came about because he was willing to walk away from his old life. This week, I interviewed him to hear about how he went form a blue-collar worker to a full-time writer, supporting his wife and nine children with his income. Watch it here:
"...the other person "should have known" what we really meant," - I am encountering this more and more, as you are, but not just in personal interactions; it is coming up more often in business settings, and at the management/executive level. Laziness, lack of accountability, short-term-results focus, or just a lack of caring about other people - I don't know. But it does make me sad, because these are yet more people setting examples for younger people! The corollary - because it is becoming rarer, I am so happy to meet someone who is the opposite of the "should have known" type - those who truly listen and engage with me, those with emotional intelligence - those folks never use that particular "should have known" excuse.
I clipped one of my favorite lines from a youtube review:
https://www.youtube.com/clip/UgkxMYuGBzC192NyBWvvXIQYlruQKVdNMB-S
"The freedom to fail without consequence is the greatest blessing you can give someone trying to invent."
As I've gotten older, I've also come to realize it is the greatest blessing you can give someone trying to learn.
I've been working on a similar post. I think one function of large families is that it gave people a safe place to learn and fail at social interactions free from consequences. (to an extent) Nowadays, kids are often alone in family and in social settings. So then they have no place or room to practice and learn how to deal with a social situation - like talking to the opposite sex - until there are huge, hefty consequences to them. Especially NOW. Yeah I screwed up growing up - I try not to think about them at 3am just like anybody else. But at least they are mostly my memories, and few other people even remember them. What would it be like if my worst moments were filmed and blasted onto the internet. "It's been 10 years since you made a fool of yourself in high school. Let's revisit that anniversary!" *replay video*
So yeah, I don't blame kids for not going near anybody else. It's safer than risking going viral at the worst moment in your life and having everyone you meet know you as "that moment" until the end of time.
As for dialog, I call it the "bickering" trend. "We must have drama in this scene. Make two characters argue!" "Should it be logical or in character for either one?" "No!"
If you want some comfort, check out this clip from Star Trek where two characters handle a dispute like adults.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKII3sFUCgs
Then go and read the comments - how much people praise and love this scene.
One thing I wish writers would realize is the old comedy rule: "Blue does not show up on blue." If you want stuff to stand out, you need contrast. This is NOT have two characters butt heads. This is about having an ebb and flow to the story. If EVERY scene, EVERY discussion is hysterical and dramatic cranked up to 11, then they ALL become dull and boring (unless it's played for laughs). You need to have calm, normal, adult discussions and then when the moment matters, THEN the high octane drama will stand out more.
Musical numbers in uh... musicals will often do this. With songs starting slow and then building up energy. But even if you have a number that starts high energy what do you do? You put a "drop" near the climax to make that contrast. Writers have got to learn that their stories are music too. There is a rhyme and rhythm to them too.